Now and forever more

Please keep your pubes off the toilet seat.

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Someone in our office has diarrhea.

That, or we need an exorcist.

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Diarrhea at work is the WORST

At my job, I am the ONLY person who has a position in which I am not allowed by any means (even if sick, about to shit or piss myself, or vomit) allowed to leave my position without having someone watch the area. Long story short, it’s because it’s a secure area. Anyway I am literally the ONLY person without the “piss when you want to and walk around freely” right. I always have to bring my need to go to the bathroom to someone elses attention which makes me mad because what if I DO have a sudden urge to shit my brains out? What if I DO need to ralph? I essentially am screwed if no one can get to me on time. THAT SHIT SUCKS.

I have numerous issues with this but I will focus on the whole telling someone aspect. If I take a minute, my cover knows I just went pee. If I take 5 minutes, they know I was dropping the kids off at the pool. Also, the bathroom is in my general space so I hear every time someone lets one rip loudly and when they flush so naturally if you hear more than 1 flush, my cover knows I just pinched a loaf.

I JUST had a sudden urge to shit my pants. I have NO idea where it came from but I KNEW it wasn’t going to be solid stool and I had to call someone and let them know I needed to go I only hoped that they’d hurry without me having to TELL them to and full on alert them as to the brown hurricane that was about to rattle my drawers.
Needless to say, I did 2 flushes but took less than 2 min as we all know that butt squirts aren’t exactly time consuming. That was bad enough without the person from accounting walking in while I was just walking out of the shitty smelling stall. Awesome.

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How do you forget that you left your fecal matter to decay in the toilet?

It’s never a pleasant surprise to wake up at the ass crack of dawn and the first thing you see is this GIANT stool left behind by a ghost anus (because no one ever admits it’s theirs) and you are left to deal with it. This thing was wedged in such a way where it wouldn’t flush down the hole. It was left for what looked like several hours to soften and form a bond with the sides of the hole in the toilet that sucks everything away. After much anger and disgust I decided to grab the toilet brush and fiddle with it to get it to flush and it does….sort of, at least not without leaving a distant memory of itself in the form of shit smear all over the inner bowl. F*CK.

How do you forget to flush after pinching a loaf that size? F*CK!

Related articles

• Can we please talk about toilet etiquette? (meehaan.wordpress.com)

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Dementia

“Our brain cells process 20% of the oxygen and food our blood contains so conditions that damage the heart and/or disrupt circulation such as high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, and stroke increase our chances of developing dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.”

How nice! It’s like getting free sprinkles on your sundae. Except it’s a shit sundae, and the sprinkles are maggots.

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Another effect of a warmer Earth

There has been a big Hoo-Ha for a long time now about Global warming and the effects of the warmer temperatures on our lovely Earth. I personally love Winter and having lived in a place where the seasons were experienced at their fullest and having those seasons suddenly change due to warmer weather it should go without saying that there was hardly a “winter” here in Northern Virginia and I am really disappointed/aggravated. I’m not a hot weather girl and it made me contemplate moving north just so I can be closer to the chill of winter air but then that thought came off as a little extreme seeing as how this is the only warm winter I’ve gone through like this so here’s to hoping that next year there is a break through in how to get Earth and Nature back on track….doubtful though.

Anyway, let’s talk about Cholera. Cholera bacteria lives in warm waters. It causes diarrhea so severe that it can kill someone within a week. With no improved sanitation, the rise in global temperatures will lead to deadly outbreaks. I think after crapping your brains out for a week, death is probably a relief.

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Diarrhea Prevention Tip.

Washing your hands with soap and water after going to the bathroom reduces diarrheal diseases by almost up to half. The simple ACT of Diarrhea is enough to convince ME anyway to wash my hands with soap.

I say this as if it’s not common sense to wash your hands with soap and water but you’d be surprised how often I’ve been to rest stops where I see women go to the bathroom and walk right out without washing their hands and sometimes without even flushing the damn toilet! Last week at my favorite bar, This girl knew people were waiting for the bathroom and she knew when leaving the toilet people would see her face and she didn’t flush OR wash her hands she just walked out. She left a nice mess on the toilet too and I couldn’t help but to think, ‘This girl has balls. She KNOWS we see her and we all know it’s her leaving behind this mess and she is not only showing that she is an inconsiderate slob, but she is unhygienic too!’ She didn’t even leave the bar so I made sure to tell EVERYONE at my table to avoid any type of contact with her if they happen to be near her and was close to grabbing the mic after Karaoke breaks and tell the whole bar that they shouldn’t share food with her, hug her, shake her hand, or allow her to touch them but I chose not to embarrass her but who knows if she’d even be embarrassed.

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NO GO on the B.O.

Ever just sat there minding your business then all of a sudden someone comes around, stands next to you and smells like Skunk and Onion? You can’t just barf where you stand even though you really want to and it’s taking every ounce of your will power to hold it in and not even make a peep as to how foul this person smells? You try to hold your face from making that “What the hell is that?” Smell before you realize this person is not going to get away from you for a while and you are stuck holding your breath thinking, “Oh God, Why?”

That happened to me yesterday. I nearly died. I almost killed myself holding my breath. I would rather have died than have to be forced to take in one more breath of poison to the lung. PLEASE be aware of your stench. It can’t be unnoticeable to you unless you lack the sense of smell because it was so heinous that when this offender left the smell lingered in my office for quite some time before I managed a few tears and scrambled to find some form of detox for the air.

Luckily I had some pomegranate lotion in my purse which I applied EVERYWHERE. My arms, upper lip, table tops and desk. I’m dying inside even typing this as my memory is also reminding me of the smell.

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IT STINKS!

It smells like sweat and regret up in here!

 

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Just come out. Don’t be shy.

I absolutely hate when I feel like I have to poop, like a good poop and I get excited and go to the bathroom and I’m sitting there twiddling my thumbs and suddenly that awesome, “I have to poop” feeling goes away. THEN I go back to wherever I was, hugely let down and 5 min later it comes back. The excitement of having to take a legit shit comes rushing back and I’m thinking , “Okay, it’s going to happen for sure now!” And I get to the bathroom and again, NOTHING. I HATE THAT!

Don’t tease me bowels! TMI? Maybe, but you know you agree with me, and thus you will live through this entry.

AH-REE-BA-DER-CHEE

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